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“I was married once -- in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)

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“I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“There's not a man in America who at one time or another hasn't had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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