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“No man is the boss of his own house, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)

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“I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.)”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“It was a woman who drove me to drink -- and, you know, I never even thanked her.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“I was married once -- in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
W. C. Fields quotes (American Comic and Actor, 1880-1946)
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